Feeling naughty and want to be direct with your advances? These Dirty and sexual pick up lines are perfect for any occasion when you are feeling dirty or adventurous. Use these dirty pick up lines in bed, on Valentine’s Day, or any special anniversary or events.
| Dirty Pick Up Lines | |
|---|---|
| (Excuse me, do you have the time?) 'Yes, do you have the energy?' | |
| (Give the person a bottle of wine or tequila) Drink this, and then call me when you're ready. | |
| (Grab his/her tush.) Pardon me, is this seat taken? | |
| (Hold up a screw) Wanna screw? | |
| (Leaning over to whisper) I think about you when I masturbate. | |
| (Look down at your crotch) It's not just going to suck itself. | |
| (Looking at a girls ass) Where does this bus go anyway? | |
| (Point at her ass) Pardon me, is this seat taken? | |
| (Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say) 'Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?' | |
| (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand. | |
| (Walk into her chest) 'If they weren't sooo large, it wouldn't have happened!' | |
| (What are you doing?) I'm taking off my shoes. (Why?) So I can take off my pants. | |
| All those curves, and me with no brakes. | |
| Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living? | |
| Are my undies showing? ('No.') 'Would you like them to?' | |
| Are those fuck me eyes, or fuck you eyes? | |
| Are those jeans Guess? Because guess who wants to be inside them... | |
| Are those lumberjack pants your wearing? They are giving me a wood. | |
| Are those pants on sale? Because they're 100% off at my place! | |
| Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world! | |
| Are we related? Do you want to be? | |
| Are you a bad load of laundry? You make my pants feel two sizes too small. | |
| Are you a cowgirl because I can see you riding me | |
| Are you a doctor? because you just cured my erectile dysfunction. | |
| Are you a drill sergeant? Because you have my privates standing at attention. | |
| Are you a farmer? No, because you sure know how to raise a cock. | |
| Are you a flight attendant? Because you gonna be plane with this dick soon. | |
| Are you a horse? (No) Can I ride you anyway? | |
| Are you a Jehovah's Witness? Because I'm about to bend Jehovah and let you witness this dick. | |
| Are you a light switch? Because you turn me on! | |
| Are you a lumberjack? Because you just gave me wood! | |
| Are you a racehorse? Because when I ride you'll always finish first. | |
| Are you a raisin? because your a raisin my dick. | |
| Are you a shark? Because I've got some swimmers for you to swallow. | |
| Are you a termite? Because you're about to have a mouth full of wood. | |
| Are you a virgin? (No.) Prove it! | |
| Are you an archaeologist? Because I've got a bone for you to examine. | |
| Are you an elevator? Because I wanna go down on you. | |
| Are you anorexic? Oh, OK, then I'll understand if you spit. | |
| Are you cold? Let me be your electric blanket. Just plug me in and I'll make you feel nice and toasty inside and out. | |
| Are you cold? Would you like a jacket? Because you can jack it when we get back to my place | |
| Are you constipated? Because I wanna fuck the shit out of you. | |
| Are you free tonight or am I gonna have to pay? | |
| Are you from Africa? Because I wanna know Kenya suck this dick? | |
| Are you from China? Because I'm China get in your pants. | |
| Are you from Iraq? Because I like the way you Baghdad ass up. | |
| Are you from Ireland? Because my dick's-a-Dublin! | |
| Are you from the ghetto? Because I'm about to ghetto hold of dat ass. | |
| Are you from the Philippines? Because I wanna phil you with my penis. | |
| Are you gay? (No) Wow, me neither, let's have sex. | |
| Are you going to that funeral? (What Funeral) The one where MY BALLZ drop dead in your mouth | |
| Are you hungry? Because omelette you suck this dick. | |
| Are you in to Casual Sex or should I dress up? | |
| Are you Jewish? Because the way you're looking at me, I'm beginning to think Jewish this dick was in your mouth. | |
| Are you my homework? Because I'm not doing you but I definitely should be. | |
| Are you spaghetti because I want you to meat my balls. | |
| Are you the lottery lady on TV, because I'm picturing you holding up my balls. | |
| Are your knees dirty? I don't want to get my floor dirty. | |
| Are your legs made of Nutella? Because I'd love to spread them! | |
| Aren't you the girl/guy who is having sex with that really good looking guy/girl? (No.) Want to be? | |
| As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit. | |
| As long as you need a place to sit, you'll always have my face. | |
| As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn! | |
| At the office copy machine 'Reproducing eh?' 'Can I help?' | |
| Babe, are you an elevator? Because i want to go down on you. | |
| Baby I last longer than a white crayon. | |
| Baby I want to wear you like a pair of sun glasses, one leg over each ear. | |
| Baby you're a sex crime waiting to happen. | |
| Baby your bone structure is giving my 'bone' structure. | |
| Baby, I'm like a firefighter, I find them hot and leave them wet! | |
| Baby!! My love for you is like Diarrhea. It just keeps coming out | |
| Beauty is only skin deep; a huge cock goes much deeper. | |
| Boy: Do you wanna be my SLUT? | |
| Girl: WHAT! | |
| Boy: Do you even know what slut stands for? | |
| Boy: (S)weet (L)ittle (U)nforgetable (T)hing | |
| Bring a teabag and screw in your pocket....go to the bar hold up the teabag and screw and ask if she wants to teabag or screw... | |
| Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving breasts? | |
| Call me Chris Brown, because I'd hit that! (Look at her ass) | |
| Can I be the wiener in your hotdog? | |
| Can I borrow 70 cents? (No) Then how about 69. I'm sure you can offer 69. | |
| Can I impregnate you with my Demon spawn? | |
| Can I park my car in your garage? It's pretty big, but it doesn't leak. | |
| Can I please be your slave tonight? | |
| Can I read your t-shirt in braille? | |
| Can I see your tan lines? | |
| Can I stir your drink? Mind if I use my dick? | |
| Can I take you to the Bone-yard? | |
| Can I walk through your bushes and climb your mountains? | |
| Can you help me up? My dick is too big. | |
| Clothes look heavy on ya, want me to relieve some? | |
| Come here or my dick will start CUMING for you! | |
| Come in the house and take off your coat, open your mouth and let me coat the back of that throat! | |
| Damn girl I'd love to kiss those beautiful, luscious lips. And the ones on your face. | |
| Damn, are you my new boss, because you just gave me a raise. | |
| Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged! | |
| Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Because you have a pretty sweet ass! | |
| Do you come here often or wait till you get home? | |
| Do you cum here, often? | |
| Do you go to church often? Because you're gonna be on your knees tonight. | |
| Do you handle chickens because you look like you'd be good with cocks | |
| Do you have a beard on your pussy/asshole? (No.) Want one? | |
| Do you have a boyfriend? (Yes) Do you mess around? (No) Would you hold still while I do? | |
| Do you have a can opener? My dick is about to pop. | |
| Do you have a composition notebook? Because you can come position yourself on my face. | |
| Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) Because I can see myself in your pants. | |
| Do you have a phone in your back pocket? Because your booty is calling me. | |
| Do you have a shovel? Because I'm diggin' that ass! | |
| Do you have an inhaler? Because you've got ass ma. | |
| Do you have any Irish in you? (if no.) Would you like some? (if yes.) Want some more? | |
| Do you have any Italian in you? Would you like some? | |
| Do you have rubbers at your house or should I pull out? | |
| Do you know Phillis Brown? Because in a minute you gonna phil-this brown dick | |
| Do you know the difference between my penis and a chicken wing? No? Well, let's go on a picnic and find out! | |
| Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you want to go upstairs and talk? | |
| Do you know what part of the tongue registers the 'salty taste? Why don't you blow me and find out? | |
| Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger? (No) Wink. | |
| Do you know what would look good on you? Me. | |
| Do you know your ABC's? Because I wanna give you the 4th letter of the alphabet. | |
| Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated. | |
| Do you like Adele? Because I can tell you wanna be rolling in the D. | |
| Do you like Alphabet soup...Because you gonna be choking on the D | |
| Do you like apples? (Yes/No) How about I take you home and fuck the sh*t out of you. How do like them apples? | |
| Do you like bacon? Wanna strip? | |
| Do you like cherries? If not can I have yours? | |
| Do you like chicken? Sorry, I haven't got any, how about a cock? | |
| Do you like chocolate, because your gonna choke a lot on this dick | |
| Do you like dragons? Because in a minute I'll be dragon my balls across your face | |
| Do you like duck meat? Then duck down here and get some meat. | |
| Do you like Imagine Dragons? Well Imagine Dragon my balls across your face. | |
| Do you like jalapeños? Because in a minute I'll be jalapeño pussy. | |
| Do you like jewels? (Yes/No) well, suck my dick, it's a gem. | |
| Do you like jigsaw puzzles? Let's go to my room and put our pieces together. | |
| Do you like Kids? Because I'm about to make your mouth a daycare | |
| Do you like Krispy Kreme, because I'm gonna glaze your donut. | |
| Do you like my belt buckle? (any response is okay ) It would look better against your forehead! | |
| Do you like Pizza Hut? Because I'll stuff your crust. | |
| Do you like pudding? Because I'll be pudding this dick in your ass. | |
| Do you like Ramen Noodles? Because I'll be Rammin' my noodle in you later. | |
| Do you like Sea World, because your about to be in my splash zone | |
| Do you like soda? Because I'd mount-and-do you. (Mountain Dew) | |
| Do you like tapes and CD's? Because I'm gonna tape this dick to your forehead so you CD's nuts. | |
| Do you like to draw? Because I put the D in Raw. | |
| Do you like warm weather? Because I'm gonna put my warm balls on your face weather you like it or not | |
| Do you like Wendy's? Because you're gonna love Wendy's nuts slap yo face! | |
| Do you like whales? Because we can go hump back at my place. | |
| Do you like yoga? Because Yoganna love this dick. | |
| Do you live on a chicken farm? Because you sure know how to raise a cock. | |
| Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you're making me hard. | |
| Do you need a stud in your life? Because I got the STD and all I need is U. | |
| Do you run track? Because I heard you Relay want this dick. | |
| Do you sleep on your stomach? (No) Can I? | |
| Do you smoke pot? Because weed be cute together | |
| Do you take it up the ass? | |
| Do you take Visa? | |
| Do you think a relationship between you and I would be all sex, or do you think that there would be some depth to it? | |
| Do you use an inhaler? Because you got assssss ma. | |
| Do you wanna come to the Marines, or would your rather have a Marine come into you? | |
| Do you wanna do something that rhymes with 'Truck'? | |
| Do you wanna see why my nickname is 'tri-pod'? | |
| Do you want to come over to my place and feed your beaver some wood? | |
| Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them. | |
| Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong. | |
| Do you work at the wood store? Because I could've sworn you gave me wood before. | |
| Do you work for Papa Johns? Because you're a fine pizza ass. | |
| Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package. | |
| Does your ass have Allstate insurance? (No, why?) Well do you want it to be in good hands? | |
| Does your pussy smell like fish because I like sushi | |
| Don't ever change. Just get naked. | |
| Don't worry, I don't get emotionally involved. It's just physical. | |
| Erections like these don't grow on trees you know. | |
| Excuse me, are you ready to go home yet? | |
| Excuse me, but do you give head to strangers? (No) Well then, allow me to introduce myself. | |
| Excuse me, but does my tongue taste funny to you? | |
| Excuse me, but I have the mother load and was wondering if you had a place | |
| Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm? | |
| Excuse me, do you believe in one night stands? | |
| Excuse me, have I fucked you yet? | |
| Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face. | |
| Excuse me, I just shit in my pants. Can I get in yours? | |
| Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus? | |
| Excuse me, My name is Ben Dover (bend over). Would you like to meet my friend Master Bates (masturbates)? Or should I do it for you? | |
| Excuse me. Do you have chicken in your fridge? (yes) How big are your breasts? | |
| Excuse me. I seem to have misplaced my willy-warmer. Do you mind if I try you on for size? | |
| Fancy a fuck? | |
| First, I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then, I'll move up to your belly button. | |
| Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. | |
| Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here, get them while they're hot! | |
| Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Laura? | |
| Fuck me, I'm beautiful enough to be with you all night. | |
| Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open? | |
| Girl are you a witch? Because you know how to make something stand without even touching it | |
| Girl, you should sell hotdogs, because you already know how to make a wiener stand. | |
| Girl, your eyes are bluer than Heisenberg's crystal! | |
| Give me elbow. (after they give you elbow, leave your hand up) Give me shoulder. (after they give you shoulder, leave your hand up) Give me nose. (after they give you nose, leave your hand up) Give me head. | |
| Go up to a someone at a bar or a dance and ask her: do you want a fuck… | |
| Got a soggy bun for a lonely weenie? | |
| Guess what?! I've got an 8' tongue and I can breath out of my ears! | |
| Gurl, you make me wanna dive in the sea..... dat pus-sea. | |
| Guy pulls out a quarter 'if i flip this coin what are the chances of me getting head?' | |
| Happy hour's over but it's still going strong at my place. | |
| Has any one ever told you your ass looks like a phone because I want to hit the pound button all day long. | |
| Have sex with me and I promise never to talk to you again! | |
| Have this flower before I take yours | |
| Have you ever bought a vibrator? (No.) Do you want to rent one? | |
| Have you ever heard of the naked pretzel? Ok, sit on my magical lap and we'll see what rises. | |
| Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out) Would you like to? | |
| Have you ever played 'Spank the brunette'? Want to try? | |
| Have you ever played leap frog naked?? | |
| Have you seen my enormous jar of 'Penis Reducing Cream'? | |
| Having sex is a lot like golf. I'm always happy when I get a hole in one. | |
| He: Hi, what's the color of your hair? She: (tells him) He: And the hair on your head? | |
| Hello, can I offer you eight inches of strength and sensitivity? | |
| Hello, I'm bisexual. I'd like to BUY you a drink...and then get sexual | |
| Hello, love, do you spit or swallow? | |
| Hello. I have sex on the first date. Do you? | |
| Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? (No) What's wrong, don't you like pizza? | |
| Hey babe, wanna sample my DNA? | |
| Hey baby there's a party in my pants and you are invited! | |
| Hey baby, as long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit. | |
| Hey baby, I think you just made my two by four into a four by eight. | |
| Hey baby, I'll fuck you so hard the neighbors will be having a cigarette when we're done. | |
| Hey baby, I'm kind of cold, Can I use your thighs as earmuffs? | |
| Hey baby, let's go make some babies. | |
| Hey baby, let's play house, you can be the door and I'll slam you all night long! | |
| Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat. | |
| Hey baby, what do you say we go behind that rock and get a little boulder? | |
| Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, Slippery When Wet, Dangerous Curves ahead, Yield? | |
| Hey baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and take what I want? | |
| Hey baby, you like Glazed or creme filled? | |
| Hey baby, you've got something on your butt – my eyes! | |
| Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs. | |
| Hey baby…can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose? | |
| Hey cutie, wanna go halves on a baby? | |
| Hey do you have an inhaler? Because you got that ass ma! | |
| Hey girl do you wanna dance because you make my testicles do the macarena | |
| Hey good lookin', whatcha got cookin'? Nuthin could be finer than the taste of your vagina! | |
| Hey I am a wrestler, let me take you down. | |
| Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest? | |
| Hey people call me the bar stool because of my third leg | |
| Hey since I lifted your spirits, how about you lift up your shirt. | |
| Hey there, I just took some Cialis and I have 18 hours left. | |
| Hey, are you hiring? I really need a blowjob. | |
| Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy? | |
| Hey, do you exercise? Can I be your thigh master? | |
| Hey, is that a keg in your pants? Because I'd sure love to tap THAT ass! | |
| Hey, lets play farmer, You be the farmland, I'll plant the seed. | |
| Hey, my seamen has the SPF of 30, care to rub some on your face? | |
| Hey, you wanna do a 68? You go down on me, and I'll owe you one. | |
| Hey, you've got a lawyer's ass. Yip, it's firm. | |
| Hey! tell your nipples to stop staring at my eyes. | |
| Hey! Wanna play war? (replies) WHAT? (you) Yea, I lay on the ground and you blow the fuck outta me! | |
| Hey! Wanna play war? I'll lay on the ground and you blow the fuck outta me! | |
| Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?' | |
| Hi, do you want to have my children? (No) OK, can we just practice then? | |
| Hi, I am your slave, take me home and mistreat me. | |
| Hi, i'm a burglar... and I'm gonna smash your back door in! | |
| Hi, I'm the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back? | |
| Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right. | |
| Hi, my name is ______________. I eat pussy like a woman. | |
| Hi, my name is 'Milk.' I'll do your body good. | |
| Hi, my name's ______________. You might want to remember it now, because you'll be screaming it later! | |
| Hi, wanna fuck? (No) Mind lying down while I do? | |
| Hi! can i stir your drink, mind if i use my dick? | |
| Hold out two fingers and say: 'Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?' (I don't know.) 'Because they're mine sweetheart.' | |
| Honey, your dad doesn't have a penis. He's got a paintbrush! | |
| How about later tonight, you let me slip into something a little more comfortable... Like your vagina. | |
| How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat! | |
| How about you be my story and I'll be your climax! | |
| How about you get on your knees and smile like a donut! | |
| How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled or fertilized? | |
| How much does your clothes cost?? (Woman says 'Why do you want to know?') Because I`ll need to know how much to pay you back after I rip them off.! | |
| Hypothetically speaking, if I were to fuck you, would you let me? | |
| I bet my tongue can beat up your tongue. | |
| I call my dick the truth because bitches can't handle it | |
| I can play the 1812 Overture on a touchtone phone with my tongue. | |
| I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little. | |
| I cum in 5 seconds, you won't even know I was there. | |
| I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated. | |
| I don't know you, and you don't know me, but who's to say it's wrong if we sleep together? | |
| I dont care that you used to be fat, just come here and let me eat that cat! | |
| I forgot my blow job at your house, can i come over and get it? | |
| I got a 14 inch cock, why don't you come home with me and I'll let you ride | |
| I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality? | |
| I had sex with someone last night. Was that you? | |
| I have a 13 inch dick. Remember that, there will be an oral exam later. | |
| I have a big headache. I hear the best cure for headaches is sex. What say we go upstairs and work out a remedy. | |
| I have a job for you, but it blows! | |
| I have a rare disease that will kill me unless I have sex within the next 30 minutes. Don't let me die! | |
| I have a tongue like an anteater; want to go to the zoo? | |
| I have an 'owie' on my lip. Will you kiss it and make it better? | |
| I have an oral fixation with giving oral gratification. If you are willing to receive I am more than willing to give. | |
| I have the entire dictionary written on my dick. Want me to put some words in your mouth?? | |
| I heard you got a boyfriend, | |
| but girl don't try & pretend, | |
| like you don't want this dick all the way in. | |
| I heard you like Magic, well bend over and watch my dick disappear | |
| I heard your ankles were having a party… want to invite your pants down? | |
| I heard your grades are bad.....I'm sure this D won't hurt. | |
| I hope to God you can't sing because I just wanna fuck you. | |
| I hope you have a sewing machine, because im gonna tear dat ass up | |
| I hope you like dragons, because I'll be dragon my balls across your face tonight. | |
| I hope your a plumber, because you got my pipe leaking. | |
| I just checked my schedule and I can have you pregnant by Christmas. | |
| I know a great way to burn off the calories in that pastry you just ate. | |
| I know you haven't been studying, You must want the 'D' | |
| I like being able to breathe but I wouldn't mind having that ass-thma | |
| I like my women, like I like my ice cream, fat free and dripping down my fingers | |
| I like your hair, your eyes, your smile… I like every bone in your body… Especially mine! | |
| I lost my pants, do you mind if I wrap your legs around me instead? | |
| I lost my virginity. Can I have yours? | |
| I love my bed but I'd rather be in yours. | |
| I love you, I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out. | |
| I may not be a windshield repairman, but I can still fill your crack in. | |
| I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock! | |
| I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on you. | |
| I may not have gotten your virginity, but can I at least have the box it came in? | |
| I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? | |
| I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south? | |
| I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body? | |
| I spent over a grand on Viagra today, only to come here and see you and find out that I don't need it after all. | |
| I think I could fall madly in bed with you. | |
| I think I'm in heaven because you look like an angel. Can you take off your shirt so that I can check for wings? | |
| I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back. Nice Ass! | |
| I think my allergies are acting up. Because every time your around my dick swells up. | |
| I think that pick-up lines are for people with to much time on their hands. Let's just fuck. | |
| I think that we might be related. Let me check for the family birthmark on your chest. | |
| I wanna floss with your pubic hair. | |
| I wanna put my thingy into your thingy. | |
| I WANT SEX! Sorry, the doctor said that would help…. | |
| I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. | |
| I wish you were a screen door, so I could slam you all day long! | |
| I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me. | |
| I would absolutely love to swap bodily fluids with you. | |
| I would call Heaven and tell them an angel was missing, but I'm kinda hoping you're a slut! | |
| I would fuck you so hard, you'd learn from it. | |
| I would tell you a joke about my penis....buts its too long 😉 | |
| I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else. | |
| I'd hide every chair in the world just so you'd have to sit on my face. | |
| I'd like to get between your legs and eat my way straight to your heart... | |
| I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you. | |
| I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to | |
| I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag. | |
| I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. | |
| I'd treat you like a snow storm. Give you six to eight inches and make it mildly inconvenient for you to move in the morning. | |
| I'll bet you $10 my dick can't fit into your mouth. | |
| I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle. | |
| I'll kiss you in the rain, so you get twice as wet. | |
| I'll show you my tan lines if you show me yours. | |
| I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when I'm finished. | |
| I'm a burglar and I'm gonna smash your backdoor in. | |
| I'm a businessman. I work in orifices, got any openings? | |
| I'm a freelance gynecologist. How long has it been since your last checkup? | |
| I'm a Gemini. What's your sign? Fire Down Below? | |
| I'm a Love Pirate, and I'm here for your booty! ARRRGGGHHH!!! | |
| I'm a starving artist and I want to eat you. | |
| I'm a used car but you can still drive me! | |
| I'm a writer, you're a writer, how about we get naked together and put some poetry in motion? | |
| I'm a zombie, can I eat you out? | |
| I'm afraid of the dark... Will you sleep with me tonight? | |
| I'm an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus. | |
| I'm an interior decorator. I can fill your interior; I see something big and pink. | |
| I'm bigger and better than the Titanic ... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic | |
| I'm conducting a survey on the taste of vaginas. Wanna be my first | |
| I'm either going home with you or behind you, take your pick. | |
| I'm feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on? | |
| I'm going outside to make out… care to join me? | |
| I'm going to have sex with you later, so you might as well be there! | |
| I'm going to make you breakfast...Omelet you suck this dick. | |
| I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there. | |
| I'm hard. You wet? | |
| I'm hung like a tic tac. Wanna freshen your breath? | |
| I'm leaving this place … want to cum? | |
| I'm like a Rubik's Cube, the more you play with me the harder I get! | |
| I'm like chocolate: I go straight to your ass! | |
| I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free. | |
| I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock! | |
| I'm no rooster, but watch what this cock-a-do-to-you | |
| I'm no weather man, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight. | |
| I'm not a dick in real life, but I'll play one in your vagina tonight! | |
| I'm not an expert in hardware, but I know that you'd be able to screw my nuts off. | |
| I'm not Asian but I'll still eat your cat. | |
| I'm not skinny, I'm ribbed for your her pleasure | |
| I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69? | |
| I'm not trying to pressure you. I don't want to have sex without mutual consent; oh and by the way, you have my consent. | |
| I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler? | |
| I'm peanut butter, you're jelly, let's have sex. | |
| I'm scared of getting pregnant, so do you want to go up to my room & test out all of my condoms? | |
| I'm studying to be a Taxidermist. Can I practice stuffing your pussy? | |
| I'm the doctor of love baby and you're over due for your meat injection! | |
| I'm the finger down your spine when all the lights go out. | |
| I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to sex. | |
| I'm with the TSA and I need to perform a full body cavity search, for security reasons. | |
| I've got a big one, you wanna see how hard it works? | |
| I've got a condom with your name on it. | |
| I've got a great big cock! | |
| I've got a hummer and a vibrator. Which one do you want to test drive first? | |
| I've got skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow? | |
| I've got the ship, you've got the harbor…what say we tie up for the night? | |
| I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot. | |
| If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put my dick in your ass! | |
| If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' between 'F' and 'CK' | |
| If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head? | |
| If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me? | |
| If I had AIDS, would you have sex with me? (No) Well, I don't, so let's go. | |
| If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? | |
| If I take off my clothes, will you fuck me? | |
| If I told you I had a 2 inch dick would you fuck me? (No) Good, because mine is 8 inches. | |
| If I was a robot and you were one too, If I lost a bolt would you give me a screw? | |
| If I was a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seed? | |
| If I was hungry for crabs would you spread your legs for me? | |
| If I washed my dick, would you suck it? (No) Oh, so you like to suck dirty dicks. | |
| If I'm a pain in your ass… We can just add more lubricants. | |
| If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by tomorrow morning. | |
| If we were both squirrels, would you let me bust a nut in your hole? | |
| If you look that good in clothes, you must look even better out of them. | |
| If you talk to me, I'll fuck you. | |
| If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town. | |
| If you were a washing machine, I would put my dirty load inside you. | |
| If you were an elevator, what button would I have to push to get you to go down? | |
| If you're feeling down, I can fill you up. | |
| If your left leg was Christmas and your right was Thanksgiving, could I visit between the holidays? | |
| If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me come for dinner between the holidays? | |
| Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me. | |
| Is it hot in here, or are your boobs just huge. | |
| Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's in your bra? | |
| Is it your birthday?, because icing isn't the only thing I'll be smearing all over face your face tonight. | |
| Is Pussy Lips one word? Because I'm gonna spread them tonight | |
| Is that a keg in your pants? Because I'd love to tap that ass. | |
| Is you father a lumberjack (No, why?) Because when ever I look at you, I get wood in my pants. | |
| Is your dad a carnie (carnival worker) Because I want you sit to on my face while I try to guess your weight. | |
| Is your dad a farmer? (No, why?) Because you got some melons. | |
| Is your name daisy? Because I have a sudden urge to plant you right here! | |
| Is your name Osteoporosis? Because you're giving me a serious bone condition | |
| Is your name winter? Because you'll be coming soon. | |
| It sure is hot and stuffy in here. Would you like to take a cold shower? | |
| Just remember: To you, I am a virgin. | |
| Just remember: To you, I am a virgin. | |
| Let me eat you for an hour. If you don't want to have sex after that, we won't. | |
| Let me insert my plug into your socket and we can generate some electricity. | |
| Let us let only latex stand between our love. | |
| Let's bypass all the bullshit and just get naked. | |
| Let's go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply. | |
| Let's go fuck in a brand new limo. | |
| Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. | |
| Let's go to your place and love each other until my dick falls in your pussy. | |
| Let's have a party and invite your pants to come on down. | |
| Let's just fuck. | |
| Let's not mess with nature. We are here to make babies. So, let's get to it. | |
| Let's play Barbie. I'll be Ken and you can be the box I come in. | |
| Let's play breathalyzer! You blow me as hard as you can, and I will tell you how drunk you are! | |
| Let's play carpenter. First we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you. | |
| Lets play 'Titanic.' When I say 'Iceberg!' you do down. | |
| Lets play circus, first sit on my face i'll guess your weight and i'll eat the difference | |
| Lets play house...you can be the door so I can slam you all I want! | |
| Lets skip all the bull-shit lose our inhibitions and DO what we really came here to do. | |
| Lie down on that couch and pretend your legs hate each other. | |
| Life is like a dick. When it gets hard, 'Fuck it'. | |
| Life is short. Let's fuck and see if there is anything after that. | |
| Liquor is not the only hard thing around here. | |
| Look at my lips and your lips. They want to massage each other. | |
| Look out in the night sky. You see that bright light to the right of that red one? That is a comet that is streaking toward here at 34546 miles per hour. At that rate, it will be here in about an hour. So, wanna fuck? | |
| Looks don't matter, I'll just wrap you in a flag and fuck you for glory. | |
| Looks don't matter, I'll just wrap you in a flag and fuck you for glory. | |
| Male: Hey, I don't feel to good. Female: Why? Male: I feel like I have an elephant in my stomach. Female: What? Male: (looking down) I think his truck is already sticking out. | |
| May i pleasure you with my tongue? | |
| Mines bigger than his want proof? | |
| Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? | |
| My bed is broken. Can I sleep in yours? | |
| My cat's dead, can I play with your pussy instead? | |
| My dick is like catnip, it'll make a cougar like you go wild. | |
| My dick just died, can I bury it in your vagina? | |
| My dick just died. Would you mind if I buried it in your ass? | |
| My dick's been feeling a little dead lately. Wanna give it some mouth-to-mouth? | |
| My ex-girlfriend used to call me Goldfinger. | |
| My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it. | |
| My friend and I made a bet and I need to check if those are implants. | |
| My guitar teacher says my fingering is good, especially on the G-string | |
| My magical watch says you're not wearing any panties...oh, you are? Damn, it must be an hour fast... | |
| My name is Skittles… wanna taste my rainbow? | |
| My name's Pogo, d'ya wanna jump on my stick? | |
| My penis is like a dictionary want me to blow your mind? | |
| My place…..Eight o'clock……bring a friend. | |
| My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot. | |
| Nice beach balls, can I play? | |
| Nice fucking weather. Want to? | |
| Nice legs, lets eat out. | |
| Nice pants. Can I test the zipper? | |
| Nice shoes, wanna fuck? | |
| Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex? | |
| Nice tits, mind if i feel them? | |
| Nice tits. Mind if I squeeze them? | |
| Oh, you're a bird watcher. (Pull out your dong) Well, would you take this for a swallow? | |
| People call me John, but you can call me Tonight! | |
| Perhaps you recognize me from one of the popular adult movies I was in. | |
| Person #1: hey, you wanna do a 68? Person #2: What? Person #1: You go down, and I'll owe you one. | |
| Pick a number between 1 and 10. You lose now take off your clothes. | |
| Remember my name, because you'll be screaming it later! | |
| Roses are black, violets are red, what is it going to take, to get you into bed? | |
| Roses are red, violets are blue, we're having sex, because I'm stronger than you | |
| Roses are red, violets are fine. If I be the 6, will you be the 9? | |
| Roses or daises? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy. | |
| Sex is a killer … want to die happy?. | |
| Sex is evil; Evil is sin; Sin is forgiven; so let's begin. | |
| Show me your pussy! | |
| Since we've been told to reduce waste these days, what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire. | |
| Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better? | |
| Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us. | |
| So, come back to my place, and if you don't like it I swear I'll give you a full refund. | |
| So, Is it safe to say I'm gonna score? | |
| So, what are the chances of my balls slappin' your ass tonight? | |
| So, what are the chances that we can engage in anything more than just conversation? | |
| So, you're not into casual sex? Fine, I'll put on a tux and we can call it formal sex. | |
| Some men go around telling women they have an eight inch penis; I'd never shortchange myself like that! | |
| Someone vacuum my lap, I think this girl needs a clean place to sit. | |
| That dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I. | |
| That dress would look great on my bedroom floor! | |
| That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed. | |
| That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. | |
| That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too. | |
| That's a nice shirt, can I take you out of it? | |
| That's a nice smile. It'd look better if it was all you were wearing! | |
| The club ends at 2, I gotta go to work at 8 lets go back to your place so you can get that pussy ate | |
| The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you? | |
| The last woman I was with said, 'Kiss me where it stinks.' So, I drove her to New Jersey. | |
| The names Dick, can I put it in you? | |
| The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor. | |
| The only thing I want between our relationship is latex. | |
| The things I would do if I got a few roofies in you. | |
| The word for tonight is 'legs.' Let's go back to my place and spread the word? | |
| There are 206 bones in the human body. How would you like one more? | |
| There are plenty of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place. | |
| There are so many things you can do with the human mouth... why waste it on talking? | |
| There will only be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus. | |
| They call me the cat whisperer, because I know exactly what the pussy needs. | |
| They call me the Delivery Man, because I always come in the back door | |
| They say sex is a killer... Do you want to die happy? | |
| They're called 'eyebrows' cus my eyes are browsin your fine ass | |
| This Dick a rental car company.....It Hertz | |
| This may seem corny, but you make me really horny. | |
| Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them? | |
| Those boobs look very heavy... can I hold them for you? | |
| Try me once and if you don't like it, what have you wasted? What, six hours of your life? It'd be more if you want foreplay. | |
| Walk up to a female and look at her crotch then look at her face back to crotch to face and say 'Are you gonna eat that?' | |
| Wanna do something that rhymes with truck? | |
| Wanna fuck like bunnies? | |
| Wanna go on an ate with me? I'll give you the D later. | |
| Wanna Job? It Blows! | |
| Wanna make like Scarface and say hello to my little friend | |
| Wanna play 'kite'? I lay down, you blow and we'll see how high you can make me. | |
| Wanna play Army? I lay down and you blow the hell outta me. | |
| Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh. | |
| Wanna play midget boxing? You get down on your knees and give me a couple blows! | |
| Wanna play Tic-Tac-Toe?, I'll shove a tic tac up your pussy and try to give you 3 O's in a row. | |
| Wanna see my third leg? | |
| Wanna tickle my Oscar Meyer Wiener? | |
| Want to make a porno? We don't have to tape it. | |
| Want to play lion tamer? You could get on all fours and I'll put my head in your mouth. | |
| Want to see my hard drive? It ain't 3.5 inches, and it ain't floppy! | |
| Want to taste my dick? (What!?!) I said, 'do you want to taste my drink?' | |
| Wasn't I supposed to eat you somewhere? | |
| We should play strip poker. You can strip, and I'll poke you. | |
| We'll probably never see each other again, so let's screw. | |
| We're going to dance to one song, then go back to my apartment and fuck. | |
| We're like hot chocolate and marshmallows... You're hot and I wanna be on top of you. | |
| We're out of bleach. Do you want to go in the janitor's closet and make out? | |
| Well spread my cheeks and call me 'cell bitch;' you're prettier than anyone I ever met in the joint! | |
| Were you conceived on a sofa? Because you are sofacking fine. | |
| What are you doing tonight beside me? | |
| What can I do to make you sleep with me? | |
| What do I have to do to be your booty call? | |
| What do you like for breakfast? | |
| What if I start this relationship with you as a friend. Will you allow me to give you the 'D' later? | |
| What is long and hard, and right behind you? | |
| What time do you get off? Can I watch? | |
| What'll you say we make like Winnie-the-poo and I can get my nose stuck in your honey jar. | |
| What's the biggest moving muscle in a women's body. My cock! | |
| What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don't have a Ferrari. | |
| What's the speed limit of sex? (what?) 68. Because at 69 YOU have to turn around! | |
| Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them? | |
| Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? | |
| Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight? | |
| Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight? | |
| Why pay $5 when you can't get this footling for free | |
| Why pay for a bra, when I would gladly hold your boobs up all day for free? | |
| Will you marry me for just one night? | |
| With great penis, comes great responsibility. | |
| Would you like a hotdog to go with those buns? | |
| Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under | |
| Wow! Are those real? | |
| Write the following on a napkin and give it to a cute girl: 'Smile if you want to have sex with me.' Watch her smile! | |
| Yeah, it's big and if you pet it, it spits | |
| Yeah. I'm an asshole, but will that stop me from getting in yours? | |
| You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 5. | |
| You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night. | |
| You are the reason that god invented boners. | |
| You bring a whole new meaning to the word, 'edible.' | |
| You can call me 'The Fireman'....mainly because I turn the hoes on! | |
| You can call me cake, because I'll go straight to your ass. | |
| You can touch mine if I can touch yours with mine. | |
| You don't want to have sex on your period? I don't mind a little ketchup on the hot dog as long as the bun is tight. | |
| You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?. | |
| You have been very naughty. Go to my room! | |
| You have eyes like spanners. When I look in to them, my nuts tighten. | |
| You have pretty eyeballs. Of course they'd be better if they were eyeing my pretty balls. | |
| You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand. | |
| You know I live a Magnum Lifestyle | |
| You know what cums after C....The D! | |
| You know what I like in a girl? My dick. | |
| You know why they call me the cat whisperer? Because I know exactly what that pussy needs. | |
| You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. | |
| You look familiar, have we had sex before? | |
| You look so innocent, you look so sweet, as long as I have a face, you will always have a seat. | |
| You make me want to calibrate my joystick without the latest drivers. | |
| You might not be a Bulls fan.. But I know you felt it when this D Rose. | |
| You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. | |
| You must be yogurt because I want to spoon you. | |
| You Need Directions?...Well First you gotta take this D-tour. | |
| You need something to shut that big mouth of yours! | |
| You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you. | |
| You remind me of my cousin. (How?) I want to fuck you so bad, but I know that I can't. | |
| You remind me of the movie 'Scarface' because I want you to say hello to my little friend. | |
| You run track?, because I heard you relay want this dick. | |
| You Say: I'm jealous of your dress. She says 'Why?' You say: Because it's touching your body, and I'm not. | |
| You should join the circus.(Why?) So you can learn to juggle my balls all day. | |
| You smell like trash. May I take you out? | |
| You smell... We should go take a shower together. | |
| You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested? | |
| You'd mind if I fantasize about you? | |
| You're like my little toe, because I'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home. | |
| You're like my own personal brand of heroin. | |
| You're like Pringles once I pop you, I can't stop you. | |
| You're on my list of things to do tonight. | |
| You're so hot you could make a deceased man's dick rise from the dead! | |
| You're so hot, even my pants are falling for you! | |
| Your ass is pretty tight, want me to loosen it up? | |
| Your Ass Looks Nice, does it need servicing because I got a wrench and some screws just for you. | |
| Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore....my face should be among them. | |
| Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up. | |
| Your legs are like an Oreo Cookie - I wanna split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle. | |
| Your lips are kinda wrinkled. Mind if I press them? | |
| Your pants remind me of Vegas.... The kinda place I go to blow my Wad. | |
| Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours. | |
| Your so hot I could roast my meat on you, baby. | |
| Your so hot I'd jack your dad off just to see where you came from. |
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